BREAKUP 101
I have disclaimer for this essay, especially for those who know me.
I just want to make it clear, that I DID NOT break up with my fiancé. We are still very much in love with each other.
But recent events in my life… or the life of a loved one, inspired me to write this. Because it is written with passion and emotion, I do believe it will help those who are in need of it.
Not many of us know a thing or two about one of the hardest things in life. It is a tragedy that some of us go through more than once in their lives.
It is the annoying phenomena called: BREAKUP.
There is no cure for it. No medicine that we can buy over-the-counter that will help ease the pain once it happens to us.
Or maybe there is only one cure. Not really what we wanted to have, nor hear about once the pain is imminent and inevitable. It’s called: TIME.
And while waiting for Time to ease the pain, I have put together some facts that might be of help or assist to make things lighter… if only just a little bit.
1) Breakups happen.
They could probably be happening once every minute or more all around the world. Each minute, a heart breaks. Another person becomes part of the list of people who got dumped.
So if someone dumps you, just think: You are NOT the only one whose heart is breaking at this very moment… and you will not be the last.
2) Breakups can be ugly.
When breakups can be as quiet as slowly and gradually losing connection and communication over months, they can also be as ugly as finding your fiancé in bed with another woman right after you paid your wedding caterer.
It is another fact. Breakups need not be a mutual agreement between two people. It can happen over a space of minutes after planning your future family tree in your head.
It will shatter you. It will break you. It will make you realize that you do not really know the person you have been with for years… and that the person you want to spend the rest of your life with is just… gone, and who is left in front of you is a horrific monster.
3) Breakups are painful.
If you have broken up with someone because you do not love that person anymore, and the breakup did not really hurt as much, well, just think that if you are not in Heartbreak Avenue, the other person probably is.
Breakups are painful.
Do you know that the word heartbreak is not just a figurative word? It is a literal word. When you love a person so much and the other person cheated on you, or decided to call it quits, your heart WILL break! And you will feel the pain… literally!
I don’t know how to describe it to you. Those who have been through heartbreaks probably know what I am talking about. But a heartbreak is a physical, aching pain in your chest, near the center of your ribcage. It is a throbbing, annoying pain that you feel even though you are not crying. Not only is this pain annoying, it affects your daily activities. It shakes your knees and makes them weak. It shortens your breath intake… or make you lose breath. It disturbs your normal sleeping pattern.
And I have to warn you: During the first day, it can be so bad, you cannot sleep no matter how tired you are. You will not have the appetite to eat, no matter how hungry you are. The pain will disturb you so much, your mind will be as active as it can be, that you have to pray so hard for sleep to take you.
It is during this time, that you will rely on your adrenaline to get you through the day. You will be surprised that you will be able to drive at 140 kilometers per hour even though you haven’t had sleep, and you haven’t had a decent meal. Pray that your body will shield you from the pain during this time. The pain can be too much but your subconscious is a powerful weapon.
4) You can be as perfect as you are… but there are no guarantees that you will not get dumped.
There is no formula for being a perfect person. You can be yourself… wild, spirited and fun and later find out that your partner wanted someone prim and proper. Likewise, you can follow all the prudent rules of society and your partner may be finding you boring.
You can be as perfect as a perfect partner could be and is supposed to be today and still find yourself in the dumpster the next day.
So when you get dumped, just accept that it’s one of the facts of life. Not even the rule: Dump him before he dumps you, could prepare you for this possibility.
5) Breakups can happen even when you are in a state of bliss.
Yep. You do not have to fight with your partner twenty-four seven for the whole month to foresee that you will break up.
Breakups can happen even when you thought both of you are at your happiest in your relationship. You could be happy. But he could be happier humping the girl next door. You will never know. If your partner will cheat, he will cheat. You do not have to be too busy at work, or too hung up saving the entire world for him to even think about cheating! He’s a man. And he can be a dog sometimes (if not most of the time), and a flash of boob courtesy of your slutty next-door neighbor can make him jump from your bed to hers.
There are men who can actually resist temptation and realize that he’s lucky with what he’s got. But then again… there are others who can’t give up bachelorhood for a day. There are most of them who can give you heaven and earth one day, and then snatch it away from you the next.
6) You can never be prettier than the other person to assure yourself that your partner will not go astray.
It’s not about your looks. It’s not about the amount of money you have. It’s not about how far you have been in your career.
Breakups are a totally different thing from your looks, your money, your family, your career.
So stop blaming yourself for not having the right boob job, or not having a six-pack, or being stuck in a lousy eight-hour job, ergo, your partner left you for someone or something else.
If he or she really loves you… you will be the most beautiful, the sexiest, the richest and the most successful person in the world for him or her.
But then again, it won’t hurt to put an effort in looking nicer than you do now, or getting that promotion you’ve been wanting for years!
7) Breakups can be a blessing in disguise.
You will never know. Maybe it was the wrong relationship in the first place. Maybe you do deserve someone better.
What if the person destined for you is only a month away from finding you? What if he or she has already found you, but then you were already spoken for?
You were not meant to be a cheater. But then again, your soulmate has already spent too many lifetimes trying to find you. And it just so happens that in this life you were born in the same generation. And he or she is not the person you are with right now.
Breakups are meant to happen. Okay, you are whining now. But who knows? After a few months, when someone a lot more wonderful comes along, you will probably be thanking your ex for dumping you. Maybe it’s destiny’s way of making things easier and happier for you?
8) Getting dumped DOES NOT make you the bad person.
I should probably not be saying this, but somehow, it is true.
No matter how lousy you were in handling the relationship, getting ditched by your partner has a way of erasing those mistakes in the eyes of your friends. As long as you did not cheat, chances are, you will end up being the hero in the relationship. Yes, you had your attitude, but still you were the one who hang on to the last string of hope of making things work. You are not the bad guy, the villain, in this story. Your chances of getting the sympathy of your friends are higher than the other person. Your support group will be bigger.
9) The burden of Karma is always on the person who found refuge in another’s arms.
You did everything you could to make it work. But still, he or she found it more comforting to be with someone else. You were honest. He or she was not.
The rules are simple. Whoever cheated, whoever was dishonest will have it coming sooner or later.
If it’s not you… then you will only whine for a day, a week, maximum a month. And then good things will start happening for you. On the other hand, he or she will be smiling for a day, a week, maybe a maximum of six months… and then things will start happening. And the worse thing about it is that… he or she does not know exactly when.
10) Expect the worst during and after the breakup.
He or she may tell you these things:
a) It’s not you. It’s not about you. It’s me.
b) This is hurting me more than it’s hurting you.
c) I need to sort things out within me so I can deserve you better.
d) It’s not another man or woman.
e) I need to focus on my career first. I have too much on my plate and I need time off to think things over.
Chances are, these are all lies. No matter how much they try to convince you that it’s them, not you… it’s not true. It is you. They are not happy with you anymore and they are happier with someone else.
If the breakup will hurt them more than it will hurt you… they will not have the guts to do it in the first place.
Yes, it is true that they do not really deserve you and that you deserve better… but if a person loves you so much, he or she will work on proving that he or she deserves you WHILE you are still IN the relationship, and not OUT of it.
It may probably be not another man or woman… but we all know it’s easier to breakup with someone you’ve been with for a long time if you know you have a rebound just around the corner.
Yes, career is more important. That’s your brain talking. But then again, the heart will always say, I love you more, ergo, I will make things work, no matter what.
After the breakup, DO NOT expect that they will come back to you promising heaven and earth again. Expect the worst.
They have already hurt you beyond your imagination. So what good could they possibly do to you now?
Expect to run into them whilst locked in a new love’s arms. Or expect that they are already having lots of unadulterated pre-marital sex. The fact that they have broken up with you gave them the freedom to do pretty much what they want with another person.
DO NOT expect that they will go through a month of hibernation and celibacy while you are whining and mending your broken heart.
DO NOT expect that they will have a year’s hiatus from sex with another person in respect of your grieving.
DO NOT expect that they are even sorry for what they did. Because they are old enough to know that if they will be sorry about it afterwards, they will not even go through with it in the first place.
DO NOT appeal to their conscience. They have NONE of that for you.
11) BACKSLIDE is very common… and quite natural.
During the course of a breakup, no matter how ugly it was, you will feel this aching pain of missing the other person. This pain could even come for a few minutes within the times when you thought you already are recovering from it.
This pain will tell you to stop whatever you are doing during the course of your recuperation and call the other person and say that you love and miss him or her.
This is common, especially during the first weeks of your recovery. You could be smiling and laughing, and then feel this aching pain that you think NOTHING else can ease it but the arms of your lost love around you.
When your heart feels this, but your brain is more bent up in moving on, this tip might help you.
Breathe in, breathe out. Count from one to ten (or how long it takes). Then tell yourself this: Okay, this is normal. I feel this because the wound is still fresh. But it is over and I was doing great just a few minutes ago. It is normal that I feel this aching pain… but it will go away in a short while.
Breakups are hard. But it is a common phenomena. It is always tragic to lose a loved one. But the key to recovery is always acceptance. It is over. Accept it.
Do not scold yourself when you cry or whine. It is normal.
Do not think you are pathetic in the eyes of your friends. Because if they really are your friends, they will understand the pain that you are going through and they will walk you through it.
Do not get embarrassed that you were dumped… or replaced by someone who is not even half as good as you are in the looks department. Just remember, if this happens, you already know your partner’s taste and just think that you are over-qualified.
Prepare yourself for the fact that your partner will replace you any time soon after the breakup, if you have not been already replaced before it. Maybe it will make you feel better that you get to see who the competition was first so that you may set higher standards than your partner's.
No matter how long you have been with the person, there are no assurances that he or she will not break up with you. You will be miserable with that person if he or she is not happy being with you anymore. Just think: Okay, so you’ve been together for years now. What are you feeling sorry for? For the five years? For the ten years? But what about FOREVER?
Just ask yourself, what are you doing with a person who loves himself or herself more than he or she loves you? Or what are you doing with a person who does not see his or her future with you?
There is nothing wrong with loving a person unconditionally and selflessly. We all do that once in our lives and hope that that person loves us enough to forget about himself or herself in return. Whatever love you forgot to give yourself, the other person should love you enough to make up for it.
But if the person you are with is not doing this to you, just ask yourself, don’t you think you deserve better?
If a person breaks up with you, it means that the love you thought he or she has for you is no longer enough to make it through the worst storms of life. You could only be wasting your precious love for that person. Maybe someone else deserves it. YOU deserve it.
Let go of the hope. Look into the brighter future ahead of you. Just the fact that you gave all your love to make the relationship work made you the prize, a.k.a the catch between the two of you.
So, take your moment to whine. Talk to your friends. Cry. Let it all out, just to ease that heartbreaking pain, even for just a short while. Then pick yourself together and get up!
Date that one person you have never dated in a while, and deserves a royalty treatment more than anyone else: YOURSELF.
Try on a different hairstyle. Change your whole wardrobe. Change your image. Find a new hobby. Catch up on your writing and reading. Learn the subtlest techniques of flirting.
Be as beautiful as you can be… as beautiful as you should have been.
Be ready to run into your ex in the streets. Show them what they have lost. Even better if you run into them with their new-found love and make sure that when that happens, you appear and look to be a better prize than the one they chose over you! It will not hurt to make them regret what they have done. It’s time you have the last laugh.
And always the golden rule. Always works:
The best way to get even… is to find a much, much better person!!!
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